Reward or Bribe?

So what are the differences between a reward and a bribe?

Stefan gave the scenario about bringing his son out for a ride on the bike if he takes his afternoon nap.

Some parenting experts will tell you that a bribe is given before the good behaviour, and a reward is given after the good behaviour. Others (including the Ezzos) will go further and say that we should not even offer the goodie before the required behaviour. Some will also say that a bribe originates from and is controlled by the child, and if a parent has control of the bargain, then it is a reward.

I think these are all superficial distinctions between the two.

Ezzo encourages goal incentives and tangible rewards to motivate a child to try harder in particular developmental tasks like skills, talents (swimming, playing the piano etc) and not routine duties like personal responsibilities like packing up his toys, bathing, etc. It is definitely a bribe if the child disobeys an instruction and you offer something to make him obey. So there is a difference between modifying behaviour (usually with moral implications) and developing skills, which are essentially non-moral.

But I think the most important thing is whether you are characterised by bribing and offering extrinsic tangible things for the kids instead of allowing them to grow their intrinsic motivation, e.g. joy of obeying, satisfaction at doing difficult.

So we are all bribing and threatening parents at one time or another - don't get guilted out by that, and become paranoid about everything we say or do. Instead, we should consciously do our best to bring out the best in our kids, and catch them at doing something good because it is just the right thing to do.